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Principles of Health: Anxiety and Stress

Ending Unhealthy Relationships

by Tracy O. Franklin

Identifying, understanding, and ending an unhealthy relationship is a difficult process no matter the age of the individuals involved, and often produces complicated and conflicting emotions. Being able to recognize unhealthy relationship behaviors and understand the detrimental consequences are important, but often overlooked relationship skills, especially in adolescence and young adulthood, when romantic relationships are a more novel experience. Teens and young adults turn to peers, parents, and other trusted adults when they face relationship difficulties, but they and their supporters are often unaware of where to seek additional information and help, and have fears about doing so.

Introduction

Adolescent dating violence (ADV) has received a plethora of research attention over the past decade, even though adult and young adult intimate partner violence has long been a major public health concern. Increasing awareness of the high prevalence of emotional and physical abuse that can take place in adolescent relationships has spurred organizations around the US to take action and begin funding programs to increase preventative efforts and survivor supports. Nearly one-fourth of adolescents have experienced unhealthy dating relationships. ADV is not exclusive to gender, sexual orientation, or age and is defined by the Centers for Disease Control as “physical, sexual, or psychological/emotional violence within a dating relationship, including stalking” (CDC, 2014).

It comes as a surprise to many young people that physical and/or sexual violence aren’t the only markers of dating violence and unhealthy relationships. Psychological and/or emotional abuse or violence is an even more common expression of an unhealthy relationship than physical violence. This can look like manipulation, stalking, isolation, name-calling, insults, and any other form of degradation of a romantic partner. This repeated behavior can lead to depression, anxiety, difficulties with body image and self-esteem, suicidal ideation, substance use, and the dissolution of healthy relationships on the part of the individual receiving such damaging messages. Despite all the grief caused by a relationship that exhibits these qualities with or without a physical abuse component, ending a relationship with someone who is deeply cared for can be emotional, difficult, and scary. Knowing how to ask for needed support and planning for safety is instrumental in such situations.

Warning Signs

If you suspect that you or someone you care about is in an unhealthy relationship there are often warning signs that may confirm your suspicions, however, it’s important to remember that just because you can’t see the signs does not mean that a relationship is healthy behind closed doors. Changes in mood, behavior, and appearance are three hallmarks of a person who is in an unhealthy relationship. The person may be dressing differently because that is a way in which their partner is controlling them, or in order to hide signs of physical violence. They may become noticeably depressed, irritable, or nervous and as a result of physical or emotional violence, or at the partner’s urging may begin to engage in risky behaviors including risky sexual behavior, substance abuse, or other risk-taking. A decline in participation in group activities previously enjoyed is also another frequent behavior change in those who are in an unhealthy relationship. Defensiveness, loss of confidence, and apathy about school or work are also common characteristics that may indicate an unhealthy relationship. Being aware of these signs and willing to talk about them openly when you have concerns can be crucial for your safety or the safety of someone you care about.

Talking to Others about an Unhealthy Relationship

Individuals in an unhealthy relationship often experience a great deal of difficulty talking to others about their relationship. This can be due to fear, shame, denial, or a whole host of emotions, however, talking to peers and adults is incredibly important to ensuring your safety if you think you are in an unhealthy relationship. Teens and young adults often turn to their peers first because of the perception, and sometimes reality, that their peers will be more understanding than parents or other adults in the person’s life. Peers can be a positive source of support, but research has shown that peers are often hesitant to tell friends when they believe a relationship might be unhealthy. Generally, this is because they want to be seen as supportive and have a greater reluctance to confront their friends in a situation that may cause discord.

In addition, individuals experiencing an unhealthy relationship are often reluctant to share the degree to which psychological and/or physical abuse is happening. This may be because of a desire to protect the reputation of their partner; it may be due to denial of the extent to which the unhealthy behaviors are happening, or a combination of both. Another possible explanation is that the individual on the receiving end of abusive behavior is unsure whether the behaviors are unhealthy or not. Peers can help by openly listening, and expressing the full degree of their concern to a friend in an unhealthy relationship, as well as being aware of what behaviors are unhealthy and sharing their observations with a friend they feel might be in an unhealthy relationship.

Parents, although not many young individuals’ first choice, are frequently the first nonpeer adult whose advice and support is sought. Many males in unhealthy relationships might go to parents first, as their concerns may be minimized by peers, or seen as “unmanly.” Often young people expect their parents to overreact or demand that they end the unhealthy relationship against their will, or before they are ready to do so. While parents are less reluctant than peers to express the extent of their concern about an unhealthy relationship and will often openly share their opinions about ending the relationship, it is important that the individual in the relationship feel supported and heard, and is helped to make a decision of their own accord.

Parents may also have the ability to share and teach relationship skills, such as conflict resolution, which may be helpful in ending the relationship, or giving the young person a new strategy to try if they aren’t yet ready to end the relationship. Parents can help by being a safe place to bring relationship concerns, fully listening to their child’s concerns before interrupting with opinions or demands. Parents can also help their adolescent and young adult children learn to make healthy relationship choices by helping evaluate concerns and options without making demands or punishing the individual in some way (grounding the individual, taking away their keys or cell phone, etc.). Self-efficacy and self-esteem are built by handing difficult situations and doing so on one’s own terms.

Teens and young adults may also turn to other adult individuals that they determine to be safe and supportive. Oftentimes, this may be a coach, teacher, youth pastor, a friend’s parent, or someone else they have regular contact with. They can provide support in the same way that both a peer and a parent might. It is important for peers, parents, and other adults working with young people to be able to identify and talk about unhealthy relationship behaviors, including psychological and emotional violence. An important part of listening and supporting someone who is in an unhealthy relationship is to try and speak as neutrally as possible about the partner committing the unhealthy acts. This means part of creating a safe space requires discussing the unhealthy behavior without name-calling, verbally attacking, or generalizing the behavior to the partner’s character because doing so often makes it more difficult for the person wanting help and support, and they may stop discussing their concerns, or feel shamed in some way.

It’s also important to be aware of local agencies that may be able to help with safety planning when needed and provide additional support. These agencies include domestic violence centers, counseling agencies, law enforcement, and other social service agencies. Finally, ending a relationship, even an unhealthy one, is difficult. It is important to allow the individual ending a relationship to feel the full gamut of emotions and not to dismiss or ignore them. If there is concern about anxiety or depression, or any other mental health concerns, discussing them with a counselor may be helpful.

Planning for a Safe Exit

If a relationship has been tumultuous and dating violence has occurred, regardless of whether it was physical, psychological, or both, a safe plan for leaving the relationship is an important precaution, and there are several factors to consider. These include: What does the individual in the relationship want? If they want the abuse to stop, but don’t want to leave the relationship, then efforts to create a safety plan and help may be perceived as unsupportive. This is an important question to answer first. Second, have they tried to end the relationship before? What was the result? It is important to be as prepared as possible for the partner’s reaction. Will they threaten harm to themselves or others? Will they respond manipulatively? Third, what resources are available to the individual, and which should they tap into to ensure their safety and support? Safety planning can be an empowering experience for the individual and will help them feel supported. Resources that can be helpful include, but are not limited to school counselor’s, law enforcement, local domestic violence centers (which often have adolescent specific resources and/or support groups), and friends’ parents.

References

1 

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “Understanding Teen Dating Violence.” CDC, 10 June 2015, www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/teen-dating-violence-factsheet-a.pdf.

2 

Kulze, L. “Teaching Teens to Have Healthy Breakups.” Newsweek, 27 June 2011, www.thedaily-beast.com/articles/2011/07/27/teen-breakups-start-strong-programs-aims-to-make-them-safer.html.

Citation Types

Type
Format
MLA 9th
Franklin, Tracy O. "Ending Unhealthy Relationships." Principles of Health: Anxiety and Stress, edited by Lindsey L. Wilner & Megan E. Shaal, Salem Press, 2020. Salem Online, online.salempress.com/articleDetails.do?articleName=POHAnxiety_0029.
APA 7th
Franklin, T. O. (2020). Ending Unhealthy Relationships. In L. L. Wilner & M. E. Shaal (Eds.), Principles of Health: Anxiety and Stress. Salem Press. online.salempress.com.
CMOS 17th
Franklin, Tracy O. "Ending Unhealthy Relationships." Edited by Lindsey L. Wilner & Megan E. Shaal. Principles of Health: Anxiety and Stress. Hackensack: Salem Press, 2020. Accessed October 22, 2025. online.salempress.com.